Hedonist to Hermit

 

The lake is always quiet. It's shared by both Shanghai and Suzhou. Now, flies of some kind stupidly bump about, crashing into eyes and lips, but the numbers have significantly dropped. For two weeks they've swarmed anywhere within twenty metres of the water. May and I have had to change our walking route. 

Life in China for the past three years has been tough. On the other hand, I've started an upward trajectory in my career. It seems I'm a teacher. I was focused on English as a Second Language (ESL), but now I facilitate the learning of literature more and more. That's a good thing. What is better than delving into that which makes us humans? Stories.

Not being naturally gregarious, I've lived my own life here, shared with May. Without her I don't think I would survive well. At least, all that I take for granted now would be upended. The temptation would be to go more into the life of the flesh, or if I had the wherewithal, I would push the other way into deeper spirituality. But my skepticism would probably lead me away from a devout life and into carnal escape. 

Carnal escape for me has largely been in running. In a sense, at least, for the body is required, and the experience is fundamentally a physical one. However, it is married with the spiritual. For, the mind must conquer the body and push it to extremes. This is mind over matter. 

The old days of extreme running, when I could do "ultra" distances and for some years felt almost permanently capable of running a marathon, well they've gone it seems. It's not for a lack of will. But the body rebels. I resist, but for years now I have not been able to push myself from the carnal into the spiritual through physical exercise. This is aging, and it's difficult to accept. I haven't fully put away my running shoes, which means I still carry weapons. 

I used to think that the extremes of physicality, of physical experience and enjoyment, were the acme of existence. Yes, why not sex, running, and beer? I was not great at handling any of those things. But I tried for some years, in that middle period of my life, between a strict Christianity and my current physical weakening. Not to overstate this demise. But it's a change in direction. 

The point I want to get at is that perhaps spirituality can exist in all aspects of life. It was in my running. And what feels more spiritual than a connection with another human soul through physical contact? Then there are mountains, rivers, and lakes. The mundane and even the hedonistic, they can be something beyond what they merely appear to be. It's cliche to say we can meet God in all things. 

Nowadays, I sit on a mat and observe the rushing of my mind. Sometimes everything becomes still. The breath is everything. There has even been a light ecstasy in that. I suppose this is the only way to counter aging, to go within, to then go outwards into the world with, one hopes, something of a dissipated ego. To even think it seems to ruin the very idea of it. The ego-less life, hah! What a laugh. But in stillness, we can momentarily touch places beyond our normal being.  

The sun sets magnificently almost every day over the lake. And every day, every moment, thoughts burst forth into being and then fall away somewhere beyond the horizon. I suppose we just go on with it all.